Diary of Gaspard

May 12, 1780

How can I go on living? My one and only child was taken away from me tonight. It started out as a calm and normal night. It never occurred to me that in only a few short hours I would lose my child, my world, my life.

I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was going to happen. I do not know why I sent my child outside. But as soon as he left, I heard horses. It sounded as if they had hit something. I ran out of the house as quickly as possible, but I was too late. My child was on the road, bleeding from the head. I ran to my child’s side. I tried to revive him. I called out his name, but I knew that he could not hear me. He was gone. I screamed that he was dead, that he had been killed.

I tried to get someone to help, but the only person who spoke was the man in the carriage. His name was Monsieur the Marquis, and I will die despising that name. He had no sympathy at all. My child was beneath his carriage, and he told me that I did not know how to care for my children. I stood there staring at him, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. He threw a gold coin at me and asked me my name. Of course, I told him. I said something about my child’s death, and he smiled. He asked me if I was a philosopher. Why would anyone ask a question like that at a time like this? I said yes, and he asked me my profession. I told him that I was a vendor of wine. He threw another gold coin at me and told me to buy something at will.

Two gold coins were supposed to make up for the loss of my son. I was enraged and threw the coins back into his carriage. I fell to my knees and started sobbing. I did not know what else to do. He stuck his head back out of the carriage and yelled as if he were insulted.

I just want to know how I can go on living without the one thing that mattered most to me. It will be extremely hard, and I do not think I will ever actually get over it. How can one get over such a thing? I do not know what to do. I do not know how to live. I just do not know.